a Remodeled Love newsletterby Joe DayloverI posted this as a video last year, and the written version came soon after. For those newer to our page, it's a good introduction and potentially relevant. While I've added updates, most of this still rings pretty truly today. When folks find out I’m in a non-sexual marriage, I can feel the questions simmering within them. What’s that like? Did you wish sex was still a part of it? Will it be again? Is this because you explored polyamory? But your wife still has sex with other people? These questions remain unasked, mind you. People want to be respectful, not wanting to “other” my experience in favor of expressing general interest. I appreciate that, but we can also normalize it and talk about it just like any other relationship setup. Like any other, it has benefits and drawbacks. Below is a list of 2 of each, in detail. First, a few perks: It makes polyamory easier. When Jes introduces new partners, I rarely get triggered on comparisons. If jealousy pops up, it’s quite momentary. It makes a cameo and then promptly exits the stage. Processing becomes instinctual, appreciating our relationship for what it is. I rarely if at all struggle with additional partners in the picture. Because sex isn’t in the picture, there’s far less entanglement with boundaries and desires aligning. Granted, this would all be very different if I still desired Jes sexually. It would make polyamory harder. *2024 Update: I'm happy to say I haven't had any big struggles with Dr. M's relationship to Jes, his moving in, and our polycule expansion, while admittedly there are sentimental attachments to things changing, of course. Juxtapose that with my relationship to Ash, where I have struggled a lot with her other sexual dynamics. It improves our relationship. I focus on other ways of showing up: rocking my Dad-duties and domestic tasks, making exciting dinners, delivering epic backrubs and massages, giving affirmation–her favorite love language. Jes feels like more than a best friend, but a partner within the day to day grind. It has helped me see her in a more authentic way. Easily, it’s more about what I bring than what I receive. With that kind of attitude, the latter just falls into place. *Update: some had reactions to the "best friend" comment, that that would feel like a devastating deescalation, not something to celebrate. While I honor the truth of that for others, "best friends", for us, feels more accurate, occupying a high and sustainable place in each other's life—a real achievement. Now, some difficulties: It makes polyamory harder. Sex becomes a higher priority, therefore limiting the kinds of new connections we can have. All the more so with parenting. I’ve had to pass up many promising dynamics in favor of those with more immediate sexual potential. So we have to use more exacting filters. Case in point, I would choose a highly sexual dynamic that had low compatibility in every other area over a relationship with potentially greater resonance. *Update: this point feels irrelevant now with Ash in the picture, since I didn't have to make the kind of tradeoff described above. I will say that living together (with littles--key point) can make connection harder in ways, where you're used to seeing other and can become passing ships if not intentional. It's weird to ponder that if we lived apart in Reno (something neither of us wants), then we'd likely prioritize connection differently and better in ways? I don't know. Added Judgment. The hate we receive for being polyamorous intensifies when those same people discover our non sexual status. You’d think that the part they object to–sex with more people–would be neutralized. But oh no, it’s just the opposite; it baffles and upsets them more. This is why you’re polyamorous, they say with heavy handed pity. Much of this rolls right off my back, but sometimes hurtful or ignorant comments sting. It’s hard not to be a little offended when your existence clearly triggers and offends others. *Update: this same brand of toxic commentary rolls in whenever we talk to the media, land on the other side of tiktok, or just post something super triggering. No easy answers. I'm a human who's affecting by things, no matter the layers of thick skin I've put up. I said it before and I'll say it again: wish our marriage wasn’t so different. I wish it wasn’t inspiring. But that’s not the world we have. The world we have demands that I speak in my defense, speak as someone remodeling something. Rock and roll. Thirsty for more? Be among the first to receive our Newsletters!
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